S1E6: 3 Keys to Heal Entrepreneurial Loneliness
Welcome to Women Rocking Business, where we are here to help you rock YOURSELF, rock your life, and rock the world as a woman entrepreneur, because the world needs you and the time is now. I’m Sage Lavine, CEO, trainer, unretired camp counselor, and best-selling author of the Hay House book Women Rocking Business. We had the honor of serving over a hundred thousand women entrepreneurs around the globe, just like you, who are here to do more, be more and have more by giving your gift to the planet. So let’s dive in.
All right. Hello everyone. Hello, hello, hello! Welcome. Super excited to have you here.
Sage Lavine
00:00:44
I want to dive into a pretty delicate topic. And many of you have been asking me about this. I’m wondering if you’re noticing that being an entrepreneur can feel very lonely.
00:00:57
Like the isolation can feel super real. At the same time, we’re living in a moment of global reset where loneliness is even more prevalent. Right? Have you noticed that it can actually be difficult to get momentum in your business when you feel really alone or lonely or isolated? When you’re feeling that sense of isolation or aloneness, we can more easily spin out into overwhelm. So one of the things that happens when we feel alone is that our grief comes up. Because think about it when you’re going to work on your business, a lot of the time, it’s just you and yourself.
00:01:42
It’s just me, myself and I, it’s just me, myself and I, right? One of the problems with that is that all this stuff that we haven’t wanted to feel for however many years will come up. So one of my spiritual teachers says that grief is the largest untapped source of potential on the planet. Because grief and sadness and loneliness, it’s all just fuel. You know, it’s just fuel that can actually feel the things that you want to do. Your passion projects, making videos, building a social media tribe, finding your clients.
00:02:23
If we can unlock all of that grief inside of you, like watch out world, here you come, your clients are waiting, right? So let’s talk a little bit about how to move from that into wholeness, solidness, calmness. There are three ways to regulate yourself when you’re feeling lonely, sad and when you’re feeling grief, there’s actually three key ways to re-regulate. If you look at any of the trauma psychology out there, there’s something called polyvagal theory. You know, the reality is, is that we’re all walking around with trauma that got put into place in relationship, in relationship with other people.
00:03:09
So guess what, when you go to build a business, now you’re in relationships with other people, right? Now you are exchanging money with other people. You are asking other people for the sale. You are getting visible in front of other people and strangers on the internet. How intimidating is that? Right? It’s so critical that we understand how we work with the wounding that’s happening inside our precious body to temples, because we’ve got to bring those little parts of ourselves along for the ride. If we think we’re going to have any success at all in business. There are three types of regulation that you’re going to want to skill up in, get better with, learn to develop, learn some chops in three different areas of regulation.
00:03:56
I’m curious if you can guess what form of regulation I might be talking about right now? What are the three forms of regulation? So the first one is that we’ve got to be able to self-regulate, right? We have to be able to notice when we’re going into story, notice when we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, notice when we’re spinning out and bring ourselves back. There will be times and circumstances when it is almost impossible for you to co-regulate by yourself. Just know that as an entrepreneur, it’s going to be really important for you to learn how to co-regulate.
00:04:37
You will not be able to take bigger risks and put yourself out there in bigger ways and get more and more and more and more visible on your own all the time. It’s too much to ask, right? Of these tender parts of our feminine selves. And so there’s times to self-regulate and there’s times to co-regulate. You need both. Now, some of you might be wondering what’s the third type of regulation. This is the form of regulation that I turn toward. When I call a few girlfriends and nobody’s picking up the phone, I feel like there’s nobody to reach out to at that exact moment.
00:05:18
And I know that I can’t do it on my own. I turned to spiritual regulation, but here’s the trick about these forms of regulation. Okay, sisters, this is super important. You actually have to be learning all three. If you are going to be a leader, there’s no way around it. I have never seen anyone create a successful business, create a successful team, lead their clients with confidence and grace, without being able to do all three. You cannot skip co-regulating.
00:05:57
One of the reasons why that’s an actual hack to getting more clients is because when you learn to co-regulate, maybe with fellow students in a business training program you’re in, or with other sisters in the Women Rocking Business Sisterhood group…when you learn to co-regulate with like minded women entrepreneurs who understand what you’re up to – write this down, – who have ETR, they have Earned The Right to support you when you’re vulnerable, it should be a pretty short list, right? You’re not going to reach out to everyone when you’re vulnerable, because there’s people in your lives likely that just simply haven’t earned the right.
00:06:39
You actually allow yourself to be loved for all of the different parts of you. All the keys on the keyboard. Think about it. Most of us just show the world one set of keys on the keyboard. And we say, HERE, here I am. I’m positive. I’m confident. I’m calm. I’m graceful. Whatever I am. Love me for this, but we forget that if we only show people that part and they love us for that part, then we’re getting it reinforced that that’s the only part that’s okay. We have to actually be willing to show ourselves the other keys, the more shadowy keys, the darker keys show that tenderness and have people love us right there.
00:07:23
That’s what creates wholeness. We’re going to need access to all of those keys on the keyboard. If we’re going to go out there and coach people and mentor people and consult with people in exchange for money. We have the opportunity to keep doing our inner work. You can feel it right now. Take a breath with me right now. All right, you have the opportunity. You and I both have the opportunity together to keep doing our inner work, to become whole humans so we can lead people.
00:07:56
Well, I feel excited to bring a couple of you on HERE to get coaching. I’m going to bring you on in a few minutes, Elizabeth.
All right. So if this content is resonating, I’d like to invite you to consider attending our exclusive Women Rocking Business three-day training, which you can attend virtually, or at certain times of the year you can attend live. This is a three day Business building rite of passage that thousands of women have attended from all over the world and used as a launch pad for their greatest entrepreneurial dream. And throughout the course of the three days, you’ll actually create your individualized launch plan to launch your business in the next 90 days.
00:08:44
And to grow it in a way that’s aligned with women’s values, you’ll get our entire system for finding your clients online, so you can go out there and confidently enroll the perfect high-paying clients, even if you’re just starting out. This is an experiential event where you’re actually interacting with the content all three days in small break-outs and meeting with our coaches. It’s amazing. You can get all of the details, the dates, and grab your discounted VIP seat at www.womenrockingbusiness.com/rocksales. I can’t wait to see you there.
00:09:23
I’d like to share one more story that really exemplifies this. So some of you have asked me, how did I get out of the pain from my divorce? How did I go from being divorced, $30,000 in debt feeling sorry for myself on a daily basis? How did I go from that moment into building a multi-million dollar company? It happened in like two years, it happened super fast. I even changed my name to Sage and that two year period and did a bunch of international traveling. It was one of the craziest times of my life. I just surrendered to transformation… but I was also really deliberate with some of my actions.
00:10:04
One of the things I did that made the biggest difference for me is I started asking women in my life who had earned the right for me to be vulnerable with them. What was their recommendation for me to heal the grief, to get beyond it? One of my dear girlfriends invited me to a gathering in the North Bay and California. An Apache elder was coming down from Canada to help, to hold a sacred fire and to help people heal. And I thought, “I need healing, sign me up.” So we packed up our tents and our camping gear, and we headed out onto the land.
00:10:47
I figured there might be 15 or 20 people there. There were almost 200 people there. People from all over California and Canada and the West coast of the United States had come to sit with this Apache elder. I had never heard of him, but he’s an incredible author. He’s an incredible teacher. And I quickly earned his respect. One of the first stories he told us was about the time that his very best friend in the whole world had died quite abruptly in a car accident. This best friend was his very best friend who was the man that he told all his secrets to as the man that he called when he was down.
00:11:36
This man happens to also be his brother, the human being on the planet who he was closest to by far was his brother. He had gone all in on this relationship with his brother. When his brother died in this car accident, he swirled into a downward depression. His business came to a screeching halt. His confidence came to a screeching halt. He didn’t even know how to get out of bed some days. Weeks went by. Months went by. He was still stuck in a downward depression. Finally, one of his uncles recognized what was going on and his uncle one by one tapped half a dozen men on the shoulder, his colleagues, coworkers, best friend from childhood, and one of his other brothers.
00:12:30
His uncle gathered all of the men into a council and invited him into the council. One by one, these men stood up and pledged loyalty to our friend, the Apache elder. One by one, they stood up and looked in his eyes and said, “You are not alone. Until you get through this grief, brother.” Oh, this part of the story always chokes me up… “Until you get through this grief, you can call me anytime day or night. I will start leaving my phone next to my bed. Here are the keys to my house.”
00:13:12
“If you get lonely and you cannot bear it, you drive across town, right? You drive across town and you let yourself into my house. From this moment on, you have to know that you are not walking through this alone.” Ever since that moment, one by one, each man standing up pledging their loyalty to our friend who is now an Apache medicine man elder, one by one, that healing went in. That day he turned a corner and he never spent an entire day in bed again.
00:13:54
He was back day by day, stronger and stronger. His business started back up. He started working out again. He started eating healthy food again. He started feeling that sense of deep confidence and wholeness again. He was not able to get out of that on his own. Are you guys picking up what I’m laying down? This is really important. So many of us as women, we think we have to do it alone. I’m here to tell you, you don’t. Especially with what’s going on on the planet right now. You can’t do it alone. You can’t try to do it alone. So our job together right now, as women is to enter into a mutual willingness to ask for help, to reach out and to cultivate the relationships with other women who get what we are up to.
00:14:45
Right? We cannot do this alone. We must have other women by our side, who are putting themselves out there in the same brave way that we are. Because many people in your world aren’t going to understand how freaking terrifying a lot of this stuff is… making video, figuring out the technology, going live on Facebook, hoping the technology is going to work, and the video is not going to cut out right? All of that. I want to congratulate every single one of you for being on a path for being on a path of self-mastery because your business is your spiritual path.
00:15:25
If you are willing to do your inner work, as your business grows, I’m here to tell you it’s the coolest thing ever. I left that sacred fire and grief ceremony in the North Bay of California and I started tapping women on the shoulder. At the time, I was in a coaching mentorship program with a coach and I pulled two of the women out of that community. I asked them to actually get on a virtual conference call much like this with me so I could see their faces. I asked them to, if they would all, please hop on a conference call with me on Friday at 3:00 PM.
00:16:06
“I’m actually asking for your help right now, I’ve recently gone through a divorce and I’m asking for your help.” By the way, every single one of you can do this. You don’t have to have gone through a divorce to ask for a sacred circle, call a few women together and ask for them to stand by your side as you make some of the big changes and take some of the bold, messy action steps that you may be taking right now to grow your business. You can also ask another sister to actually hold the space for you to actually be in charge of the circle and have everybody go around and just share what they see as possible for you.
00:16:46
It’s super vulnerable to ask people to show up for you like that. But guess what? It’s one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself. I’ll never forget looking at that computer screen and seeing face by face, woman by woman watching those women say, “Sage, I am with you. I am with you all the way through, until you heal from this divorce, I am with you. You can call me day or night. I’ll be by your side. And if you’re crying your eyes out, I’m going to be right there in the tears with you.”
That’s the power of women. Do you know what I mean? That’s the power of what we can do together. So as you are embarking on this journey of leading clients, I hope this has been helpful.
00:17:30
Elizabeth has been waiting patiently and I’m just so thrilled to be able to support you guys. Elizabeth, sweetheart, tell me what form of loneliness happens in you? What are the voices saying? What does it look like or sound like in your head?
Elizabeth
00:17:50
It’s ugly. Really, really ugly. I am an extreme introvert, like maybe the most introverted person most people have ever met. So I do the self-regulation very well. Co-regulation, not so much. It’s hard for me.
Sage Lavine
00:18:08
Yeah. So what’s the story. If you were to reach out and ask for help, what’s the story? What would it mean about you?
Elizabeth
00:18:18
I don’t have a problem sharing my story or being vulnerable after I’ve gotten through it. In that moment in that really messy, nasty, ugly place, I am terrified of reaching out to anyone. I’m afraid that they’re going to look at me and realize what a mess I am, and they’re going to want to push me as far away as they can get.
Sage Lavine
00:18:46
And I’m curious, Elizabeth, you’re so beautiful. First of all, how do you help people?
Elizabeth
00:18:56
I am the strong person. I’m the person that everyone else taps on the shoulder and calls when they need someone. I’m that for my daughter, for my mother, for a close circle of friends. I am empathetic to the point of it almost being crippling. So that’s why I self-regulate so much and so well, because I have to have that to protect myself. It’s super, super hard for me in that nasty, messy pit to reach out to someone else, because I’m usually the one they’re reaching out to.
Sage Lavine
00:19:37
Yes. Do you have an ideal client yet? Do you have a kind of person that you want to help in your business or you want to help more of?
Elizabeth
00:19:45
Yeah. Well, in my business, I’m helping women in real estate. Either a lot of women who probably are going to have the same feeling I am, “How can I go out there and be an authority?” Real estate is not so much a man’s world as it used to be, but still you, you need to have authority and be a powerful, strong woman. It is hard to do that when you are a hot mess on the inside.
Sage Lavine
00:20:11
It’s so true. It’s so freaking true. Right. And think about it. We recently did a video training on authority and the comment thread blew up. I don’t think I had ever landed on a more controversial topic. People were like, “I’m terrified to be an authority. I don’t want to be an authority. I hate the authority figures.” But yet here we all are wanting to build up our own authority. Right? And so the moment that we say, I want to guide people, I want to mentor people, guess what’s going to happen? Your shit’s going to come up. Excuse my French. Right? It’s all going to come up. Anything has ever blocked you from feeling strong and whole and part of a, you know, collective “rising tide lifts all boats” type of scenario that stuff’s going to come up to be heal.
Sage Lavine
00:20:57
So, you know, we always, I always, you know, people always ask me, “Why do you think 80% of businesses fail? Why are the odds stacked against us in business?” Well, guess what? It’s because of this dynamic right here, right? It’s because so few people are actually willing to do the inner work, to catch up with the aspirations that they have, the visions that they have. And that’s one of the reasons why I love this sisterhood, you know, the Entrepreneurial sisterhood women who are really out to rock their business in a way that’s collaborative, not competitive. You’re ahead of the game. You’re like, ‘No, I know I’m going to need to do my inner work alongside building the business.” So I just want to acknowledge you, Elizabeth, for being able to so confidently, look at the camera and tell us exactly what goes on inside of you.
Sage Lavine
00:21:44
Like beautiful. And one thing to look at is I’m curious what it feels like, you know, because your real estate agents, they’re going to need you more than anything. You know, like the authority that it takes to actually sell a house, that’s not just a small purchase. That’s a lifetime purchase. It’s a tremendous amount of inner confidence that they’re going to be developing. So this very skill of co-regulating is something that they’re going to need to learn how to do as well. Just like you’re learning it. And I’m curious, can you think of a time that somebody reached out to you and they were a wet, hot mess. They were really breaking down. They were upset and you helped to them.
How did it feel to help them?
Elizabeth
00:22:28
I felt so honored that they trusted me, that they felt comfortable reaching out to me, and allowing me into their life at that point.
Sage Lavine
00:22:40
Yeah. Let’s go ahead and repeat what Elizabeth just said. She felt so deeply honored that she was the one that they chose and that they trusted her. You know, Brene Brown says, “Belonging is the biggest driver of human behavior.” We’re living at a time where most of us are separated from our family is to some degree, right? We have people that we love living all around the planet. You know, we’re, we’re not able to get physically close to them right now. Right? Most of us are having to kind of recreate a non-traditional form of connection and family for ourselves in some way.
Sage Lavine
00:23:19
What’s true with a capital T is that when you reach out and you are vulnerable with somebody, 99 out of a hundred times, that person is going to feel honored and connected and trustworthy because you reached out. The relationship becomes closer, and guess what, you’ve given them a gold pass ticket to now do the same with you the next time they’re falling apart. I was on a Zoom call last night with a handful of my entrepreneurial colleagues, really successful folks.
00:24:00
And one of my friends really broke down. I’m having a really hard time. And the response was, “Thank you so much for trusting us and why the hell haven’t you let us know that’s going on and you better check in tomorrow because you’re not going through one more day of this alone.” So I want to say that to every single one of you, when you show up and you are that person for other people in your life, then you’ve earned those friendships, and those colleagues have women and men who will show up for you. If you may have had somebody reach out to you and you weren’t available, now might be a good time to just let them know. Clean it up.
00:24:42
“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t available. I want you to know that I’m here for you.” Because right now we have the opportunity to link arms, to literally link our virtual gladiator arms across the global sisterhood, linking our arms. Just imagine that you’re a part of that, and that you don’t have to feel like you’re ever doing any of this alone. I’m curious, Elizabeth, when you show somebody your insights, can you feel that it allows them permission to share theirs as well? Is there anything else that you would need to know to be willing to open yourself up more?
Elizabeth
00:25:29
It’s really, I need to get out of my own way. I am my own biggest enemy. I’m harder on myself than anybody else would ever be. I criticize myself more than anybody else ever would. Everything you’re saying is 100% the truth. I feel that. And yet why can’t I reach out to someone and say, “You know what? I’m a hot mess right now. I need you.” Why can’t I get out of my own way to do that for myself.,
Sage Lavine
00:26:07
Who is somebody in your life that, you know, you can reach out to and share your hot mess?
Elizabeth
My friend, Renee.
Sage Lavine
Okay. So would you be willing to reach out to her within the next week? The next time you feel vulnerable? The next time you feel down… give this a try and report back and let us know how it goes.
Elizabeth
I absolutely will.
Sage Lavine
I’ll be able to keep tabs on you because we get to work a little more closely together this year.
So let Renee know that she’s one of your inner circle and let her know you are one of hers. One of the things that happens is that we tune in to the wet, hot mess that’s going on. Then we look out in the world and we compare the inside wet, hot mess to what other people look like because other people look shiny and confident and settled, especially on camera, right? Now we’re comparing apples to oranges. You can’t do that, right? We cannot measure. We’ll never measure up. So the only way to get a real read on if there’s anything really wrong with us is to freaking ask.
Sage Lavine
00:27:21
I mean, every single one of you and there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, there is everything right with you that you are even in this conversation in the first place, because guess what? You are not a robot and people don’t want to follow robots. People want to follow real life human beings with feelings and messiness and imperfect-ness. So, my nice, sweet, sweet, sweet, dear. What are you going to say to yourself? The next time the wet, hot mess fueling comes up? How else does it feel like? For me, sometimes it feels like my skin’s crawling and I’m really hot inside. Yes. What else for you?
Elizabeth
00:28:01
My lips get tingly. I start to numb out my hands and my lips.
Sage Lavine
Like blood is literally not going to the extremities. Like your clinched. Yeah. Yeah. So the next time you feel those physiological indicators, what are you going to say to yourself?
Elizabeth
Now is the time for you to ask for help?
Sage Lavine
Yeah. Renee deserves to know you’re going through that, and so do some of your other Women Rocking Business sisters as well as you build those connections, you got to have all three. K honey? You can’t just do self and spiritual.
You’re missing the core of the sandwich. Okay. Pinky swear? Ssisterhood Swear? We both have to kiss our thumbs at the same time. Mwah! I love you, girl. I’m so proud of you. Thank you for being so willing to open up your insides and share those with us today.
Elizabeth
00:29:04
Thank you so much. Oh, you’re so welcome. I love you.
Sage Lavine
We’ll see you on the other side by Elizabeth.
Sage Lavine
All right. Beautiful, beautiful. It’s your time to go out in the world to know that you’re never alone. Not for one moment. You’re doing a disservice to anybody in the world who loves you by not telling them when you’re going through stuff. It’s time for you to get yourself even more supported so that as your leadership increases, the support that you’re putting into place in your life, the ramping up of support is going to support your leadership too. Can you feel that? When your support is not matching how much your leadership is ramping up?
Now you have a gap and it’s going to be hard to get out there and be visible and take the risks that are required to build businesses like these, the world needs you. Your clients are waiting for you. They’re not just waiting for someone like you. They’re actually waiting for you. Bye everyone.
Sage Lavine
00:30:04
See you. On the other side!
You’ve been listening to Women Rocking Business. I’m Sage Lavine. The next step is to join our private Facebook group, the Women Rocking Business Sisterhood, and introduce yourself over there for the real and vulnerable conversation of what it really takes to launch and scale a business you love in that Sisterhood group. We have each other’s backs, each other’s sides and each other’s fronts. This is true collaboration. So go grab a seat in the Sisterhood because we can go so much further when we go together. You’ll find a link to the private Sisterhood group and do our upcoming events in the show notes. And if you have a woman in your life, who’s growing a business or starting a business, please share this podcast with her so she can create her big dreams and take a moment to subscribe and rate and review the podcast, which helps us get our message into the hands of women who need it.
I’ll see you on the next show, and don’t forget, your clients are waiting. They’re not just waiting for someone like you. They’re actually waiting for you.
